Great Sexpectations

Love yourself this valentines day

Valentine’s day can be a helpful reminder of the importance of appreciating partners and loved ones. Intimate relationships require time, attention and care if we want to keep them healthy. On the flip side, Valentines can lead to unrealistic expectations and pressure to provide a certain kind of gift, experience or evening as a symbol of our love. For many in relationships, this can heighten worries about sex and intimacy. Those without partners can experience isolation and feelings of being excluded. It’s hard to avoid the hyped marketing of products designed to hook into both our insecurities and our wallets.

Ironically, expectations, pressure and worries are the enemies of sex and intimacy. In a recent article womenshealthmag.com, names stress and unrealistic standards as the biggest cause of ‘spectatoring’, which is the opposite of mentally being present during sex. Spectatoring is a common barrier to pleasurable sex.

Many of us find great sexpectations are getting in the way of sexual pleasure. To counteract this, the first step is to notice them. In the words of Dr Emily Nagoski, sex educator and researcher, when it comes to sex: ‘pleasure is the measure’.  Considering pleasurable sexual choices, perhaps starting with general choices that bring pleasure in day to day life, is a far more effective and loving approach towards yourself and your partners. So be kind to yourself and think of something pleasurable that you can realistically experience, gift or treat yourself to, this Valentines.

Kassel, G ., (13 January 2025), 9 ways to stop spectatoring during sex and stay present. [online] Available at: https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/health/sexual-health/a63407614/spectatoring-sex/, Accessed 09/02/25

Nagoski, E., (2024), Come together. The Science (and Art) of creating lasting sexual connections. Penguin Random House. London.

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